No more Honors English 10, Geometry, Journalism 2, or PE.

I'm starting Algebra 2, Honors Euro History, Honors Biology, and Spanish 1. I wanted to take Latin, because I would rather know Latin and it would help with the SATs, but it's a dead language. Plus I scraped by Spanish in eighth grade and it will be easier the second time around...

I'm going to miss Journalism. It was the only class I had friends in, and they were new friends, and I don't know how to keep those friendships intact. I'm too afraid to ask for their attention, and they're as busy as I am. I can't imagine them reaching out.

I'm a little scared of this whole thing. It's the first day of school again, isn't it? And I'm afraid of people. Half of my classes are Honors, and none of them are blow-off classes. It's all acedemic, and I'm so stressed already.

I feel so disconnected, and none of this is helping. I really need time away to be with God, a youth retreat or something, but there's just too much to focus on. Maybe I'm just making excuses. I'm probably afraid of God seeing how distorted my soul has gotten after so much time of spiritual disconnection. He can see it anyway, I get that, but if I don't think about it...I'm not afraid of having problems, I'm just afraid of facing them.

It's just the same old hedge. I'm boxed in. I have to be the best but I don't want to make anyone feel inferior. I need to stop saying everything that pops into my head while learning to express my feelings. I am desperate for attention but don't feel I deserve it. I want so much and ask for so little. I have so many oppurtunities to help people, which is what I want to do with my life, but I never take them because I'm afraid people won't accept help if it's from me. I feel compelled to hate myself and guilty when I don't. I'm stuck.

My youth group feeds and shelters the homeless, and I can help out. I'm often offered oppurtunities to babysit for free for people who really need it. And I don't take it because I'm scared the homeless people won't like me, the kids or parents won't like me. It's ridiculous! I give money to World Vision, but I'm not blessed with money. It isn't a spiritual gift. I don't have a job or a particularly wealthy family, not that we're anywhere close to poor. But I don't have much money of my own.

I have gifts. I can write and I'm good at understanding and making people laugh. I'm compassionate and have strong convictions. I pray easily. I can sing. I can give so much more than money, and I don't have much of that to begin with. Why do I let things like this stop me?

I'm still hiding. I tried to stop, but so far it hasn't helped. I'm still refusing makeup, because I know I felt strongly that I was supposed to take that step even if I can't really understand it now. I'm trying to be different and show people that I have a joy only God can bring. But I don't feel joyful. My happiness comes in bottles, my focus comes in bottles, my sleep comes in bottles. I'm sure I'd be far worse off without my pills, but I don't feel joyful. I feel lost and confused, just like everyone else. Still groping for something, anything to grab onto. I am no more peaceful. Why not?

For some reason, even though I know things are changing, I haven't talked to Ms. Reid (my therapist) about it. I went Wednesday and didn't talk to her. I feel comfortable with her, and I have a lot to say...I stopped wearing makeup, I'm afraid to start my new classes, I need to get a job but I'm way too scared...I don't know why I avoided it. I was really tired, I'd been up until four, but I wonder if it was deeper than that.

Afterthought: I want to thank the whole Revelife community for offering me guidance or even attention. I feel listened to, and I don't get that even from my real-life friends. It means a lot.

I actually found out today that Ms. Beyer, my Journalism teacher, has Social Anxiety Disorder. It made me feel really happy. But as today was our last day, she is no longer my teacher. So that's whatever.

I realized at some point yesterday that I haven't kissed anyone at all this whole year. It was really getting to me, and something in me let me know to read a bit of John. So I did, and although of course it was great, it said nothing to me about the struggles of that second, which it almost always does.

Of course, as I'm writing, I understand what I was being told.

In the beginning there was the Word,
And the Word was with God
And the Word was God.
John 1:1

God so loved the world that He gave His only son, so that whoever believes in Him will never die but have eternal life.
John 3:16

Both are verses that caught me. And both are verses that I learned and memorized at camp.

(A quick filler: I go to Makemie Woods every year, have since the womb. My mom has been leading their bible study since forever and I used to join her. We also rented a family campsite and stayed in a tent once during the summer every year since as far back as my existence. When I was old enough I started going as a camper. We learn bible verses, as it's a Christian camp. I'm a PK and one of the major MW verses was James 5:16, so you can imagine my shock when not everyone in the world knew that one, or any of the others I've known for always.)

Anyway.
Camp is on the 15th and I always have a crush. I know something crucial is going to happen for that girlboy part of me at camp. It could be meeting a guy, or it could be renewing such a full relationship with God that I forget guys exist in any way that is seperate from girls in my life. I don't know. But I'm glad I figured this out.

Writing always helps me.
Hey, I almost feel like making friends now.
If you have something important for me to hear, let's talk.
I'm feeling something different. Thirst.

No, really. I'm getting a bottle of water and then my mom and I are going to Friendly's for ice creram. Last day of school tradition.

LaterGator